Mar 15 2007
Panic attack
Talked to one of my best friends. For the first time, I expressed my confused feelings and rambling thoughts about embarking on the new journey. I admitted for the first time that a part of me hoped I wouldn’t get accepted to UCSF so that I could take a more laidback track at Samuel Merritt. A part of me also feels a bit guilty for taking the place of someone who might have wanted to get into MEPN more than I did.
“Are you trying to self-sabotage?” my friend asked.
I don’t think so. But I realized that if I keep focusing on feeling anxious and scared about the work ahead, I will only feel defeated before I’ve even tried. I must stop this.
I also realized that my apprehension is not about the work per se, but about the realization that much will have to be sacrificed this year. I won’t have time for any of the fun activities that I’ve been dabbling in these past few years. No more writing, reading, sewing, iMovie.
But while talking to my friend, I realized that I need to stop complaining about and fearing what hasn’t happened. I need to EMBRACE the amazing opportunity I have to be in the MEPN program. I need to get excited. I need to give myself 150% to this opportunity, otherwise why do it at all? What a waste the last two years of preparation would have been, what a waste the next few years will be if I don’t approach this journey with all my passion.
During my volunteer work at the hospital, Roel, an older Filipino male nurse said to me: ‘You can do anything and everything is worth trying because YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU WILL THINK OR HOW YOU WILL DO. Don’t listen to what others say; don’t let their anxiety or even pragmatism scare you.’