NursingZen

As I opened my mailbox today, I marveled at how the body can act so independently of what my mind was trying to tell it. I told myself not to get anxious or excited, but it was useless. My heart was racing even though I believe my mind was fairly ambivalent. Knowing the sympathetic nervous system, my pupils were probably wide and my breathing quick and shallow. The envelope was slim, but it felt hefty with more than one piece of paper. I peered through the address window and saw something that looked like a form. A part of me knew then that this must be an acceptance, or a wait list, because why would a rejection ask for more info? I opened it and scanned for the “Congratulations!” that was in the letter that offered the interview, but didn’t see it. There was a split-second of disappointment, until I started reading from the beginning. There in no-frills yet kind of somber (I thought) language was my acceptance. I found the language a little strange and couldn’t quite put my finger on why. I didn’t shout and scream with ecstasy or break out into laughter. It was the way it was in my dream… a little ambivalent, a little anticlimactic. In retrospect, I think I was in mild shock. I hadn’t let myself believe I would get in b/c of fear of crushing disappointment. I think I also became instantly anxious – about whether I got in by the skin on my teeth, whether the professors would wonder if they made a mistake a year from now, whether I’d be able to handle the work….I think I became overwhelmed with both relief and nervousness.

I felt like the acceptance had happened to someone close to me but not to me exactly. Maybe that’s an apt feeling – half of me wants to identify with being a nurse; the other half with being a writer. I’m hoping my two selves will get along.